PerspectiveRelationships

PERSPECTIVE: the Four Agreements of Gay Porn

By Jai, LINX Collaborator (Note: Content may not be appropriate for all audiences)

It’s mid-day. Your coworker–you know, the one in the snug pants–has passed by your desk three times in the last hour probably making copies, but it’s much more than that to you. You notice his ass that sits high and looks low as if God’s blessings flow directly from his shoulders, down the bend of his back and drip, ever so gently, off your curve of his behind. He turns you on.

You re-adjust yourself in your seat. Shift your clothes around and attempt to regain focus on whatever shit-that-pays-the-bills task that is at hand. You momentarily regain your professionalism when he passes again. You now regret taking this desk next the break room. You’re situated next to the closest exit at the end of your shift–a blessing when you clock out but a curse for your time inside.

You’ve resolved in your mind that the only way out of your hormonal roller coaster, incited by the guy that we’ll refer to as Malcolm, is through. Your phone has been charging on the USB jack on your desk computer–because whose phone can go a whole shift without dying nowadays? You steal away to the nearest secret space, probably the handicap stall in the restroom. Earbuds and cellular device in tow, you make your way to the bathroom. If you’re cautious, you check under the stalls to see if feet are actually taking a shit. In your stall, one earbud in, the other dangling so you can hear when someone enters.

You scroll through Vine and Tumblr to get your mojo going–despite the thoughts of Malcolm circulating your brain and drifting to your crotch. Your signal is low so you creep to that old faithful clip you’ve cached to your hard drive. (Note: you probably wouldn’t know what cache or caching is had it not been for low-signal-high-erection moments like this)

Your hands caress your member before clutching a little tighter and hurrying to your climax before someone starts wondering where you are. You stroke, it cums, and now you can go. The whole process flashes in the blink of any eye. You squeezed it into your 10-minute break with enough time to go ask Kiesha “what’s tea?” But what happened? Was it just a tunasub or is something bigger at play here?

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is among the best reads, ever. The author simplifies life into four basic principles that, if done correctly, will lead to a fulfilled and productive life free of assumption, ill-feelings or inadequacy.  Every aspect of life, if we really invest the brain power in discovering, can be summed up probably in four or less agreements. What those agreements are and, more importantly, what they mean to us are the facets that we each have to answer for ourselves.  While these are not Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements, they are the unconscious contracts that you sign with every porn-fueled stroke.

Jai’s Sidebar: I believe sex is an analogy for life. I hope you’ve picked up on it, but if not, I’ll explain. For me, sex and conversations about it are second nature–it is my ministry so to speak. My pastor, for instance, processes life’s lessons through the lens of the Bible. While commendable, such conversations, for me, can be overly spiritual and esoteric. The lens that I see life through is sexual in nature.

The best part of my ministry is that all of us have a foundational point of reference. We’ve all had good sex and bad. We’ve all had emotional sex and just a fuck. I hope to get us thinking about our sex far beyond dicks and asses. That’s it.

1. I am a man

The sheer fact that you have a penis that reacted to Malcolm is an indicator of the masculine energy in you. Then to go further as to touch it, you’re definitely a dude. As myfunnyname.com advocates for all LGBT people, it must be acknowledged that not every person with a penis identifies as a man. But with every stroke, watching that flick or lusting after every hormone driven iota of that six-second clip on Vine, you are affirming your man-ness. You’ve underpinned your dick and offered up the right (or left) hand of fellowship–double fisting if you’re able.

Some may argue that a man is no more manlier than when he’s alone with his friend. Regardless of our upbringing, friend circles or the like, the connection one has with his penis is the one that will never go away. In these alone moments, a man’s shadow dreams creep to the surface and for one quick space in time, he can be himself without expectation. Mannerisms and expectations drift into the periphery; professionalism flows out the window. He feels the rush of freedom churning in his belly and, with every pump of his fist, growing until he explodes as 100% of himself, whole and complete with his dick.

2. I am watching men

By definition, you are watching men. Either solo, duo or group, you are watching some man-on-man (-on-man) action. Think back to your first sexual experience. Not your first time you had sex, but the first time you experienced sex. For many of us it was a website with nude pics or free videos. For others it may be that Men’s Fitness magazine or the JCPenney catalog in the underwear section (back when the JCPenney catalog was thicker than the phone book). Even farther back, some may have had dreams about a classmate or someone we knew. In all these, the object, the person we’re watching, is a man. This isn’t an indictment on attractions toward others, but in the beginning of this situation, God made Adam.

For many of us, we negate these small steps toward self-expression because we have the luxury (and responsibility) of having come out. Many of us openly embrace our sexual desires toward the same gender. We believe we’ve grown past the undercover fondling and quickly minimizing windows when others pass by. For others, these thoughts and images, the porn in the bathroom, are the straws that some men grasp at in their quest for acceptance and expression. Coming out is a process and this flick, for some, is that little solace inside what they believe is the status quo of heteronormativity that must be upheld. Each step in everyone’s journey must be honored.

3. I derive sexual pleasure from men

Many men are fans of “The L Word”. Just as sexual as anything gay themed show, but that was entertainment–a far cry from porn and an even farther cry from gay porn. The arousal you felt from Malcolm and subsequently from the clip you used to finish the deal is the agreement you made with yourself. It says, “with these feelings I feel right now, I enjoy the comfort of a man.”

Speaking those words, for some, is difficult. For others it’s unnecessary. And for some, it’s second nature. The agreement is not in the speaking, it’s in the doing. Long before any of us ever spoke the words “I’m gay/bi/queer/SGL/etc.” or “I’m attracted to men” or any of the like, we have already made the agreement. It’s parallel to having been a boy long before you had language to describe a boy. Such is the first step to coming out: admitting the agreement.

None of the above preclude my attractions to others

So many of us believe in very binary constraints to sexuality. If it’s not gay porn, it’s straight porn. If he’s not the top, he’s a bottom. If he’s not this, then he is that. We even go further to make assumptions of the person based on his preferred pornographic outlet: he’s watching gay porn so he must be gay.

Socially, when we make assumptions of others based on our own limited knowledge bases, we in turn force someone further into the closet. Consider this: you’re bisexual. As difficult as that is to admit, you make the first three of these agreements. In doing so, the vast majority of society tells you that you’re gay. Not being gay, you refuse to check that box in life, so you remain straight, governing yourself as a straight person attempting to do straight things. The lack of affirmation of who you are (bisexual) exacerbates fucked up norms for someone on the quest for self discovery. Hence, not coming out.

When addressing a person, we have to acknowledge that there are (at least) four distinct agreements we all have/must/will make. The responsibility for everyone else is not to assume any other agreements: accept us where we are. Don’t assume my journey and don’t try to define my agreements using your personal point of reference. You don’t need to comprehend my journey to accept that I’m somewhere along it. So the next time you’re watching porn, after you tunasub but before you clean up, when you’re mind is clear, just remember that you agreed.

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